I’ve been making my way slowly through my old diaries, in reverse chronological order. Last week I reached my college years. Over the weekend, i took advantage of being at Mom’s and looked up my old boxes of letters/essays. Came upon an essay i wrote for my college English class of my two highschool classmates. I was surprised that half of the essay read like someone else’s story to me. I totally don’t remember quite a few details mentioned there (e.g. the Christmas card with photo cutouts.) I was also surprised at how well i could write then.
If anyone who reads this is from my class, be warned that i have taken liberty at making up things to make the story tidy. So even though the characters are real, the events might not be, even their personalities have had some fiction in them, too. 🙂 Enjoy.
What’s more interesting to me was at the time the instructor wrote a full page comments in longhand, which post a big challenge to me. I couldn’t decipher half of what she wrote. I even asked one of my classmates to help, and she penciled in some of the phrases next to the instructor’s. Even with those I still failed to understand some sentences. This time, i was able to understand it in full. phew. Not trying to gloat (okay, a little, I’m actually a little envious of my former self. 🙁 oh well), I transcribed her comments too.
This essay got me started reading my diaries from high school years. I am now constantly amazed at how oblivious i was then. Comparing to my peers, I seemed to be living in some kind of foggy romantic version of the reality. On one hand, I’m glad I was so innocent, so devoid of vanity and was able to deal with things as they came competently, in my own quirky way. On the other hand, i wish i could have gotten hold of that little girl and made her see things as they really were.
It was like in Harry Potter, those kids who were born with magic powers but they didn’t know how to use it. They stumble along, clumsy. In a way, maybe all teenagers are like that. They are not aware of the power they had, the magic they could cast on other people. To fully tune that power, to make them aware of their power, could either make them a more powerful person with more self-awareness, or make them into monsters.
Maybe it had been a good thing afterall, that I have been oblivious all these years…